Final Fantasy Superheroes (!)
by Saint Louise
Summary: A humourous fic about what happens when you eat Yuffie's culinary creations. NOTE: contains various Anime characters.


  
  
  
The Scene:  
::Yuffie and Marlene are sitting on the sofa watching 'Magical Girl Pretty Sammy' in Barret's house.::  
  
Sammy) Jugeimu jugeimu gokouno surike Sammy Davis buroira chikin!  
Marlene) ::Looks envious:: I sure wish I could do that...  
Yuffie) ::Playing along:: You sure can! Say the magic words! ::I sure hope no one sees me...::  
Marlene) Jugeimu jugeimu gokouno surike Sammy Davis buroira chikin! Yuffie, nothing happened! I'm not a super hero!  
Yuffie) No, you've gotta say YOUR name, like this. Jugeimu jugeimu gokouno surike Yuffie Davis buroira chikin! ::An echo is heard...along with some sound effects and a flash of light.::  
::Yuffie is now wearing Sammy's clothes and holding her wand, with a similar hairstyle.::  
Marlene) Yuffie! You did it! You're Magical girl Pretty Yuffie! WOW!  
Yuffie) I...I am!? But...how?  
Marlene) The magic power, silly! ::Jumps up and down, excited.::  
Barret) ::Re-enters his house:: Yuffie, what the hell's goin' on? Why're ya dressed like that?  
Yuffie) ::Blushes::  
Marlene) Easy, silly! Yuffie's a superhero!  
Reno) ::Comes in after Barret-the Turks teamed up with AVALANCHE after Meteor:: More like Stupid hero.  
Elena) ::Privately envious:: Yeah. Superhero. Whatever.  
Yuffie) ::Hits Reno and Elena with her wand::  
Reno & Elena) Owww...  
Barret) Haw...is that so? Well, Marlene, Daddy can do that too...  
Marlene) Huh?  
Barret) Yeah, it's easy...Barret Eternal, Make Up! ::A bright flash, and...::  
Barret) I am Pretty Soldier Eternal Sailor Barret! I stand for love and justice and the American way!  
Reno) ::Elbows Barret in the side:: That's Captain America, stupid!  
Barret) Oh yeah...Okay, then, I am Eternal Sailor Barret, the Sailor-suited Pretty Soldier! In the name of North Corel, I will punish you!  
Elena) ::Sarcastically:: Nice line.  
Barret) Shu'up, foo'! Umm... Barret power...or something... ::The Eternal Tier comes out of the end of his gun:: Oh, yeah! That's it! Barret Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!  
Elena) Aiiieeee! Reno! Help meeeeeeeeeee!  
Reno) ::Too busy laughing at the sight of Barret in a sailor suit to do anything.::  
Marlene) Can I do that? Can I?  
Barret) Ya sure can! Jes' yell Barret Crisis, Make Up!  
Marlene) Barret Crisis, Make Up!  
::Another flash of light, and...::  
Marlene) I am Super Sailor Chibi-Marlene, the sailor-suited Pretty Soldier in training! In the name of the future North Corel, I will punish you!  
Reno) Oh, great. We got Magical Girl Pretty Stupid over there, and now Sailors Shu'up Foo' and Chibi-Shu'up Foo'. What next? ::Grimaces:: I dread to think...  
Red XIII) Bark! Bark! Barkbark! ::Translation- I am Lassie, wonder-dog!::  
Elena) You had to ask... now we got Lassie.  
Yuffie) Shut up, Elena! Neo-Ohki, attack!  
Reno) Neo-Ohki? Whatever.   
::Suddenly a cheap imitation of Ryo-Ohki runs over and starts to lick Elena's face.::  
Elena) ::Snorts:: Whatcha gonna do, lick me to death?  
Yuffie) Oh well, that didn't work...  
Elena) Eew... Cheap imitation Cabbit drool! That's it! I've had enough!  
:: A flash of light and...lo and behold... CARD CAPTOR ELENA!::  
Reno) ::sweatdrops:: Jesus. Not another one...  
::Suddenly, Tifa arrives...but wait... it's Cutey Tifa!::  
Tifa) Cutey Tifa Flash! ::Turns into a vaguely Tifa-shaped Cutey Honey::  
Reno) Save me...  
Cloud) Hey! How come I have to be MEGAMAN!? He's not a super hero!  
::A far off rumble is heard, getting closer by the second...::  
Rufus) ::Inside a Gundam Mobile Suit:: Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! How do you control this thing? ::Crashes into Barret's house::  
Barret) Hey, foo'! Yo' takin' my house down wit' yo' clumsy stumblin'! You'll be COREL DUST if y'all don't stop now! Anyways, I thought ya were dead!  
Rufus) Nah... That was just a storyline to pull in the consumers!  
Reno) Ok, Ok, this is just a bad dream... Yeah... just keep sayin' that, buddy. Just a dream...  
Cloud) Aww, man, I can only shoot these pathetic yellow bullet things! What use is that against the forces of evil?  
Reno) ::Laughing at how pathetic Cloud looks::   
Cloud) And another thing; this stupid blue metal suit really chafes badly! I almost look as wimpy as RAMZA!  
Elena) Also, it's waaaaaaay out of season.  
Cid) ::Practically breathing fire:: Okay, why did I have to be Metal Angel Marie!? This SUCKS! It's such a girly outfit! I ain't no angel!  
Yuffie) Simple, Cid. You were the only one who could work it, but I think you'd be considerably better of in Rufie's Gundam suit.  
Cid) Right, kid. Swap. Now.  
Rufus) Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhh! I...can't...control...this...goddamn thing! ::Goes out of control and completely wrecks Barret's house::  
Elena) Aah! Megamisama!  
Reno) Huh? Translation, please?  
Elena) Aah! My Goddess!  
Reno) The anime? Whatever.  
::All of a sudden, Aeris appears. She is dressed in strange robes.::  
Elena) Megamisama! You're here to help!  
Aeris) Yes, my child. I'm here to rebuild Barret's house and heal you all.  
::Rude stumbles into the wrecks in EVA-01::  
Rude) Umm, Reno? Buddy? Can ya give me a little help here?  
Reno) Since when, Rude, did you become Shinji Ikari? And where's Asuka? She's sexy.  
Elena) ::Smacks Reno with her wand::  
Reno) Oww! I'm sick an' tired of bein' hit with wands belongin' to Goddamn SUPER CHICKS!  
Tifa) The correct phrase is 'Magical Girl'.  
Reno) Whatever, Tifa.  
Aeris) Umm, excuse me, but it was my big line?  
Reno) Oh, yeah. Sorry for that.  
Aeris) Ahem. Anyway, I am a Goddess and now I'm going to heal you all and restore Barret's lovely house.  
Barret) ::Interrupting:: Hey! I could do that with the SILVER BARRET CRYSTAL!  
Aeris) Shut up and let me get on with it. WORLD HEALING!  
::Flash of light, loads of really neat sci-fi sound effects, and the dust clears and...::  
Marlene) Yay! Our house!  
Cloud) Yes! I'm not that weedy little mechanical freak any more!  
Elena) Thank god I don't look like a manic six-year-old any more.  
Yuffie) Whoohoo! No more stupid outfits!  
Tifa) I kinda miss Cutey Honey's 'assets'...  
Rufus) I survived! If I ever see that Duo Maxwell I'm gonna kick his sorry ass!  
Barret) Haw, haw! I'm not wearin' a skirt no more! I jest didn't have the chest for one o' them body suits!  
Rude) Yahoo! I'm not Shinji any more! That kid's seriously weird!  
Red XIII) I really don't know what came over me...  
Cid) Thank the lord I ain't no frickin' Metal Marie no more...  
Reno) If any of ya ever mutate into those überfreaks again, I swear I'm gonna kick all o' your asses! ::Secretly wishing Yuffie would turn into Nurse Angel Ririka...::  
Tifa) I wonder why it happened? I mean, we all transformed but Reno didn't...  
Reno) Thank God...  
Rude) I have an idea. Everyone ate one of Yuffie's Vanilla Slices except Reno, because he was too hung over. So Yuffie's horrendous cooking was to blame.  
Yuffie) Hey! Why I oughta... Damn. I wish I had Sammy's powers now...  
Cid) There's a lesson here, kids. Never eat food from strangers. And Yuffie's pretty strange...  
Yuffie) Hey! I heard that! Fine! I know when my cooking's not appreciated. See if I ever cook for you again!  
Cloud) Fine by me. ::Winks at Tifa:: Tifa's a good cook.  
Rufus) And from what I've heard, that ain't the only thing she's good at...  
Tifa) Cloud! What have you been telling everyone?  
Cloud) Well...I...umm...that is, I...  
Tifa) ::Slaps Cloud:: Sorry, Cloud, but you deserved that.  
Cloud) ::Has a huge red hand mark on his face::  
Rufus) And also, from what I hear, that ain't the only place you got hand marks!  
::Tifa slaps Rufus, too. Hard.::  
Rufus) Oww...  
Tifa) That'll teach ya.  
Reno) Umm, hate to break up the little lover's tiff here, but shouldn't we all grab a bite to eat? Preferably not something Yuffie's cooked.  
::All agree.::  
Yuffie) As long as I can come too, I'll overlook that comment.  
Reno) Sure. After all, you shouldn't have to endure your cooking alone.  
::Yuffie throws her sneaker at Reno::  
Reno) Oww... I'm sick of all this gettin' hit crap! Let's just go get some goddamn FOOD!  
Cid) The boy's right. Let's go.  
Cloud) Yuffie? You should probably pick up your sneaker before we leave.  
::Yuffie scowls::  
Barret) Haw, yeah, Yuffie. This's my treat, as a thank you for lookin' after Marlene for me.  
Yuffie) Alright! Let's go! ::Rushes out of the door cackling::  
Elena) H-hey! She's got my materia!  
Reno) Mine too! That little...  
Rude) After her!  
Cid) When I catch her I'm gonna break her friggin' neck...  
::All run out of the door after Yuffie::  
All) YUFFIE!!! Get back here NOW!!!  
  
The End...?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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